When every nerve, every muscle, every cell in your body is screaming for you to run, do you think you can control that flush of terror and stand your ground? It's easy to think that you can, but do you really think you would?
MaryAnn and I are hiking the Appalachian Trail. For exercise, accomplishment, and a deep-seated drive to kill ourselves. We started at the Northern end of the Shenandoah National Park in Virginia and we're hiking south a few miles at a time. On our second outing, starting at Possum Rest (at their pace, do possum's need to rest?), we were heading down the mountain when we heard a noise. MaryAnn stopped and said "what's that?" Hearing nothing more we continued. Less than 20 paces later we were confronted by the source of the noise. 50 feet to our left a large black bear was clawing his way down a tree staring straight at us! I'm not sure I can describe the sound but I won't soon forget what a bear's claws sound like ripping down the bark of a tree (let's just say your scalp doesn't stand a chance)!! We froze (I think), his eyes were locked on us and for just that second I don't think my brain could make a muscle in my body move. A lightning bolt of terror struck us. Quickly I either said "C'mon!" or "Go!" or "hermiphhrrmp", I don't know which, but in my mind I was trying to put some distance between us immediately! We didn't run but we were walking QUICKLY!! (ok, maybe we ran a little...) After about 20 paces we stopped. (of course I had outdistanced MaryAnn, wanting to put something between me and that bear that he would find tasty!) I turned around slowly and started shouting in the direction of those 6 inch claws! We knew the rules for black bear - make yourself big, make lots of noise and they'll run away. No problem, except when you're facing a REAL BLACK BEAR!!
What I found instantly funny was the realization that both parties, bear and humans, were equally scared stiff and bolting for safety! After several minutes we forced ourselves reluctantly back in the direction of our fears, talking very loudly, eyes scanning the forest, muscles fired up in anticipation of another run-for-your-life, you're about to be a thin mint moment.
If that black bear came crashing out of the brush and began closing the gap between us full-tilt, I didn't think there was a chance in hell that MaryAnn and I would be able to plant our feet, act big, and shout the bear down. At that level of terror I knew the odds were I'd be running, fully aware of the foolishness but running nonetheless. Luckily, thankfully, we never got the chance to disprove my theory because Mr. black bear was far away, up some other tree thinking the same thing. Whew! Within 20 minutes we met four other hikers, one of which said he'd seen black bear almost every day (should we be rethinking this?). Fear faced, black bear stared down, bravery forced upon us, we finished our morning hike with great awe at the magnificence of this wilderness that God seems to have hand-painted Himself.
The thought of successfully forcing myself to stand my ground against a black bear is what has me thinking. Could you do it? No, really, could you? Stand against a charging bear? As you stand, your leg muscles are most certainly ripping at you to bolt, they're firing and twitching and flexing, lift that first foot and turn! Once that action is started you're in full flight my friend. Yeah, you'd be running right alongside MaryAnn and me, and hopefully we'd all be laughing later at how scared we were.
As I sit here, coffee in hand and laptop warmed up, several days later and miles away from our "moment of truth" (I'm glad "fateful flight" doesn't fit), I find the experience eerily similar to many of life's moments. Instead of molding and reshaping my prose, burning precious brain-power and working my morning away (my day off morning I might add), I could be enjoying my patio, watching a show I taped the night before, or just surfing the net (the invasion of Asian Carp is upon us!). There are a number of things I could be doing that would be easier, more relaxing than trying to put into words our 'I crapped my pants' bear encounter story. Believe me, I fought this. It took me 20 minutes to sign in to my blog. I could have turned on the TV just as easily as MaryAnn and I could have reversed course and walked the 1/2 mile back to our car. How many moments like this do we face each day? One, ten, twenty? I'd say plenty, maybe constantly. All day long we're faced with these decisions, do what I know I should do or relax a little. Take the path of least resistance. You deserve it, you've earned it. Chill out, have a drink, watch TV for a while. That phone call can wait, you can write the article tomorrow, your kids are playing by themselves, you can interact with them later.
Success or failure in your life will always be decided by you. It's the six inches between your ears. I knew that bear was gone, I knew he was as scared as we were, yet it was very difficult to force myself down that trail because my mind kept telling me how scared I was and continued to create visual images of a bear attack!! Where did I get these images? My mind just MADE THEM UP! I knew logically it wasn't going to happen, but it was so hard to ignore. Your mind is constantly creating images of failure, sabotaging every effort and keeping you from the unknown, from the life of your dreams. Yet there is a beautiful world waiting for you, waiting for you to rightfully earn your place, but you must push through the fear, the darkness, the pain. You must discipline yourself and not allow these fears and distractions to cause you to reverse course or quit (or never start). In the end it's really so much easier than struggling through life sitting in front of the television or thinking you're protecting your family by avoiding the risk of your dream endeavour. Those are the excuses from the six inches. If you don't believe me, then go to the mirror and tell yourself. Look in your own eyes and restate the reasons (excuses) you haven't been chasing your dream, the one thing in the world that you really want. That thing you think about all the time. Or tell yourself why you're quitting or why you did quit. Look into your own soul, then make a decision to fulfill your destiny even if it means walking back down that trail of fear.
Tomorrow, we're going back again and I cannot wait. One day we'll have hiked the entire Appalachian Trail and wondered why we didn't do it years earlier. You'll be thinking the same thing once you've conquered your challenge. Don't put it off, start today. Just get up and do it. Yes, it will be hard but life isn't supposed to be easy. Go ahead, prove yourself. You have all the wisdom, strength, and resources you need to succeed. The world isn't the answer, the answer is on the inside and your Maker has already equipped you sufficiently. Dorothy always had the power to go home, the lion always had real courage, the tin man was never without heart and the scarecrow was the smartest of them all. They needed a challenge to prove themselves and the wicked witch obliged. All you need here on earth, you were made with. He's just waiting for you to make the decision that you're finally going to be all that He created you to be.
I'm even looking forward to the next bear sighting. Maybe I'll stop running long enough to take a picture...
Monday, June 21, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Boots on the Ground Decision-Making
From the What I Wish We Did More In This World Department (or better entitled - Message to all supervisors, rule-makers, managers, and executives). Why do we make rules based on one situation, then apply that rule across the board? Why can't we allow our people, our Boots on the Ground, to make operational decisions as they see fit?
Two quick stories: Yesterday I am trying to send money to Costco to renew my membership (I have to pay to shop there? What a concept.) Since our membership expired several weeks ago (which means, Costco Execs, that we have done our shopping elsewhere for the last several weeks), instead of mailing our renewal to the state of Washington (taking 5 days by Pony Express), I thought since it's such a beautiful day I'd ride over on my Harley and drop off the payment to our local store (then we could shop there again SOONER). The renewal is $100, I had a certificate from Costco for $58.00 (a rebate of sorts for spending thousands there in the last year), and a personal check for the difference.
I rode over to Costco and walked in. Decision: go wait in line at the regular checkout to drop off my payment, or go to the counter labeled MEMBERSHIP that had only one individual waiting. No brainer - off to the MEMBERSHIP counter. Quick math: two workers helping two customers, one person waiting in front of me = quick service and I'll be outta here in 5 minutes (quick ego boost for being so smart). Then, of course, the inner workings of a large corporate juggernaut kick in. A briskly walking manager-type blows by (so as not to get caught by a customer and be sidetracked), grabs one of the counter workers to handle some perceived problem ("I need you to come up front"). Briskly walking manager then wheels around and blows by us again (speed = untouchable!) with beaten-down counter worker in tow. Quick math: one counter worker, 3 customers. CRAP! You guessed it. 15 minutes later I hear what I came for: "May I help you Sir?" Then corporate juggernaut rule #2 comes in. I explain that I would like to just DROP OFF my payment for my privilege to shop there. The worker looks at the check and certificate and says, "Sir, I cannot take this payment. If you were paying me the total $100 I could, but we cannot take this certificate here. You will need to go to the checkout line where they would gladly process your payment." I AM AT THE MEMBERSHIP COUNTER. The checkout line is less than 30 feet away (and of course, there's a line!). I say "thank you" and walk out the door.
An acquaintance has a meeting set up at a local coffee shop. He and his partner are meeting with some banker-types to discuss funding another line for his business. They get there at 10:30 for the 11:00 meeting to prep for the conversation. The waitress says, "Is all your party here?" He says, "No, they'll be here shortly." She says (as she points to the SIGN on the wall), "All must be present to be seated." So they sat near the door at a near-empty coffee house to wait the 30 minutes for their guests, so they could be seated at a table in the NEAR-EMPTY COFFEE HOUSE (by the way, that was AFTER he spoke to a manager).
Two situations, two rules enforced, more than two customers alienated. My acquaintance will never go back, and I went back to work and mailed my payment (which means I'll be shopping elsewhere for another week or more, totalling one month of spending money NOT at Costco). In both cases the workers (who are NOT at fault and should NOT be the recipients of our frustration) could have taken care of us with ease, but because of their leaders' robotic reactionary rule-making, we were inconvenienced again (hmm, sounds like the government, no?). Could the waitress have seated those gentlemen? Of course. Could the MEMBERSHIP counter person have taken my payment? Absolutely. Problem is, they would be breaking a rule, and we managers punish people that break our rules.
Message to all leaders and managers - Your people know better than you when they are working with customers. Wake up and let them take care of us and quit flogging them like they are incompetent slaves. EMPOWER YOUR PEOPLE and you will find that they actually LIKE to think, solve, and serve the public. The reason employees are disgruntled and unhappy is because they are forced to follow rules you set up that DO NOT WORK. The coffee house rule is a wise one as long as your business is full. The Costco rule I'm certain is logical if you're trying to streamline a process. In both cases business was slow and the customers WERE TURNED AWAY (and the employee doesn't care because they are secretly getting back at you for handcuffing them with your stupid rules). Does this make sense to anyone? In the end the management blames the worker and tightens down the rules, but I have one question for management. Were your workers incompetent when you hired them, or did you make them that way?
We as leaders, managers and executives must do a better job of screening potential employees and training them when they're hired. Help them do a great job by teaching critical decision-making skills, and you can take your 'rule book' and burn it (or stick it as your employees say). Let the "Boots on the Ground" make the decisions. You think business is complicated? Try getting things accomplished during a firefight when the people next to you are dying. You know how the Marine Corps does that? THEY USE 19 YEAR OLDS. Yes, the Lance Corporals and the Corporals who are right there fighting (the same people we wouldn't trust to punch a time clock) make the decisions in battle. They don't have to wait for a manager to come out of his office and they don't have rules (read customer warnings) hanging on the walls. They are taught a set of parameters and they are taught critical decision-making skills, then they drill on a daily basis. Do you train on a daily basis? I'm a manager and I don't. I also don't know anyone who does.
My rant is done. Empower your people. Hire them right, train them right, and let them make the decisions. Will they make mistakes? Yes, but it's better than the mistakes YOU are making for them by not allowing them to decide what's right at that moment for the customer and allow them to figure out how to MAKE IT HAPPEN. If you allow them to feel that their thinking and decisions make a difference then you will see a happier, more involved, highly effective employee, and you just might get credit for that....
Two quick stories: Yesterday I am trying to send money to Costco to renew my membership (I have to pay to shop there? What a concept.) Since our membership expired several weeks ago (which means, Costco Execs, that we have done our shopping elsewhere for the last several weeks), instead of mailing our renewal to the state of Washington (taking 5 days by Pony Express), I thought since it's such a beautiful day I'd ride over on my Harley and drop off the payment to our local store (then we could shop there again SOONER). The renewal is $100, I had a certificate from Costco for $58.00 (a rebate of sorts for spending thousands there in the last year), and a personal check for the difference.
I rode over to Costco and walked in. Decision: go wait in line at the regular checkout to drop off my payment, or go to the counter labeled MEMBERSHIP that had only one individual waiting. No brainer - off to the MEMBERSHIP counter. Quick math: two workers helping two customers, one person waiting in front of me = quick service and I'll be outta here in 5 minutes (quick ego boost for being so smart). Then, of course, the inner workings of a large corporate juggernaut kick in. A briskly walking manager-type blows by (so as not to get caught by a customer and be sidetracked), grabs one of the counter workers to handle some perceived problem ("I need you to come up front"). Briskly walking manager then wheels around and blows by us again (speed = untouchable!) with beaten-down counter worker in tow. Quick math: one counter worker, 3 customers. CRAP! You guessed it. 15 minutes later I hear what I came for: "May I help you Sir?" Then corporate juggernaut rule #2 comes in. I explain that I would like to just DROP OFF my payment for my privilege to shop there. The worker looks at the check and certificate and says, "Sir, I cannot take this payment. If you were paying me the total $100 I could, but we cannot take this certificate here. You will need to go to the checkout line where they would gladly process your payment." I AM AT THE MEMBERSHIP COUNTER. The checkout line is less than 30 feet away (and of course, there's a line!). I say "thank you" and walk out the door.
An acquaintance has a meeting set up at a local coffee shop. He and his partner are meeting with some banker-types to discuss funding another line for his business. They get there at 10:30 for the 11:00 meeting to prep for the conversation. The waitress says, "Is all your party here?" He says, "No, they'll be here shortly." She says (as she points to the SIGN on the wall), "All must be present to be seated." So they sat near the door at a near-empty coffee house to wait the 30 minutes for their guests, so they could be seated at a table in the NEAR-EMPTY COFFEE HOUSE (by the way, that was AFTER he spoke to a manager).
Two situations, two rules enforced, more than two customers alienated. My acquaintance will never go back, and I went back to work and mailed my payment (which means I'll be shopping elsewhere for another week or more, totalling one month of spending money NOT at Costco). In both cases the workers (who are NOT at fault and should NOT be the recipients of our frustration) could have taken care of us with ease, but because of their leaders' robotic reactionary rule-making, we were inconvenienced again (hmm, sounds like the government, no?). Could the waitress have seated those gentlemen? Of course. Could the MEMBERSHIP counter person have taken my payment? Absolutely. Problem is, they would be breaking a rule, and we managers punish people that break our rules.
Message to all leaders and managers - Your people know better than you when they are working with customers. Wake up and let them take care of us and quit flogging them like they are incompetent slaves. EMPOWER YOUR PEOPLE and you will find that they actually LIKE to think, solve, and serve the public. The reason employees are disgruntled and unhappy is because they are forced to follow rules you set up that DO NOT WORK. The coffee house rule is a wise one as long as your business is full. The Costco rule I'm certain is logical if you're trying to streamline a process. In both cases business was slow and the customers WERE TURNED AWAY (and the employee doesn't care because they are secretly getting back at you for handcuffing them with your stupid rules). Does this make sense to anyone? In the end the management blames the worker and tightens down the rules, but I have one question for management. Were your workers incompetent when you hired them, or did you make them that way?
We as leaders, managers and executives must do a better job of screening potential employees and training them when they're hired. Help them do a great job by teaching critical decision-making skills, and you can take your 'rule book' and burn it (or stick it as your employees say). Let the "Boots on the Ground" make the decisions. You think business is complicated? Try getting things accomplished during a firefight when the people next to you are dying. You know how the Marine Corps does that? THEY USE 19 YEAR OLDS. Yes, the Lance Corporals and the Corporals who are right there fighting (the same people we wouldn't trust to punch a time clock) make the decisions in battle. They don't have to wait for a manager to come out of his office and they don't have rules (read customer warnings) hanging on the walls. They are taught a set of parameters and they are taught critical decision-making skills, then they drill on a daily basis. Do you train on a daily basis? I'm a manager and I don't. I also don't know anyone who does.
My rant is done. Empower your people. Hire them right, train them right, and let them make the decisions. Will they make mistakes? Yes, but it's better than the mistakes YOU are making for them by not allowing them to decide what's right at that moment for the customer and allow them to figure out how to MAKE IT HAPPEN. If you allow them to feel that their thinking and decisions make a difference then you will see a happier, more involved, highly effective employee, and you just might get credit for that....
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Jane
Sometimes guilt is a pretty powerful thing. MaryAnn and I have been talking about going to upstate New York this year. It's been several years since we've been back and I haven't seen my parents in a long while, let alone anyone else in the family. Then Kyla texted me to say that this coming weekend (2 weeks ago) they are throwing Jane a surprise graduation party. She finally got her GED! Are you guys coming?! Well, it was Monday or Tuesday, so I talked to MaryAnn. The thought of driving 6 hours one way to spend a day in Bath, New York always seems illogical, but after a brief conversation we thought it would be worth it (and it would relieve my guilt). Almost all my family will be there, we'll get to see my parents, and Jane's celebration sounded wonderful. We're in!
Here's the greatest thing about Jane getting her GED. She's 60! Jane is part of our family. She's not really a legally adopted sister, but she's been with us since my earliest memories. She was a pregnant teen when we took her in, and I can remember growing up with her vividly. She has several children, a very nice family, and they were all there at the party. Life hasn't always smiled on Jane and she's worked really hard all her life, but the one thing she never gave up on was her education. A GED at 60? Why? Well, to borrow a phrase from my Mom, because she said so, that's why (love you Mom). She just wasn't going to let that one get away from her. Too often we dream our dreams, then let them pass without really giving any effort to achieve them. Possible dreams, things we have the talent or ability to do. We get lazy, life gets in the way, things get complicated and the years slip away. Not this time for Jane, it was the one thing she wanted and it wasn't easy for her. She struggled in Math especially, but her mentors and friends were there when she needed them. "Someone said it couldn't be done, but she with a chuckle replied ..."
Bath is a beautiful, sleepy little town. The more things change, the more they stay the same. MaryAnn and I spent a day with Karen visiting a couple of wineries, seeing the countryside, and driving through and around Bath. Great memories, I feel old and nostalgic. We arrive at the party fashionably late, and there are close to 100 people there! In Bath! It was remarkable to me that Jane meant that much to these people. After Jane put on her graduation robe and entered, she gave a very nice speech. Then her son-in-law announced "open mike" so that Jane's friends could tell us what she's meant to them. One after another they spoke. Some funny, some tearful, all meaningful and appreciative. A life lived in a small town, a simple life, seemingly meaningless but nonetheless touching the hearts and lives of others. Then, Jane's granddaughter spoke. It was nothing, really, but it was everything. She said that she had been struggling in school, confessed that her efforts weren't what they should be. She was bored, she was tired, school didn't have any real meaning attached to it. Then her grandmother showed by her actions how important it was to her, she showed how hard she worked for something her granddaughter thought was silly. So she vowed right then to turn herself around and start performing in school. Since her grandmother graduated, she had no excuse!
Isn't it marvelous how sometimes your actions have consequences far beyond what you believe? Like a stone thrown in a pond, Jane's determination produced a ripple in her granddaughter's life, a statement of inspiration that woke her up to the possibilities of an education. I'm certain Jane didn't plan that or even see that coming, it was one of those perfect, simple moments in life that touch your heart. Jane the grandmother, Jane the pregnant teen, Jane the amount-to-nothing struggler in life just became the wise elder of her family before our eyes. It was beautiful.
Pablo Picasso said, "I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it." Jane showed me that time and determination can produce a powerful life lesson. She showed that our struggles, our stubborn goals, our dreams yet unrealized, however insignificant they may seem to us, can be nothing but the most miraculous tool in God's hands. Jane showed me what happens when you just keep working towards your dreams, even when it seems like it's too late. A GED at 60? What do you do with a high school diploma at 60? You give it to God so he can save the life of your granddaughter by altering her mental path with your example. That's what a GED at 60 is good for.
What's your excuse? Pick a goal, dig out your life list and choose one thing. Something tough, something insignificant, something that you cannot do. Then do it. Enjoy the struggle, embrace your failures, and in the end you'll be in a better place. When you're done God will use you, as he used Jane, to inspire someone else to succeed in life.
In the beginning I was looking towards a weekend of slogging up Rt. 15 for 6 hours one way to say hello to everyone, then turning around and coming back home. In the end I received a gift of being allowed to witness one of the small miracles in life. A miracle of love, perseverence, faith, steadfastness, and a blossoming of hope for a future generation of Janes. All at once, all 100 of us wanted to be like Jane. Especially her granddaughter.
Here's the greatest thing about Jane getting her GED. She's 60! Jane is part of our family. She's not really a legally adopted sister, but she's been with us since my earliest memories. She was a pregnant teen when we took her in, and I can remember growing up with her vividly. She has several children, a very nice family, and they were all there at the party. Life hasn't always smiled on Jane and she's worked really hard all her life, but the one thing she never gave up on was her education. A GED at 60? Why? Well, to borrow a phrase from my Mom, because she said so, that's why (love you Mom). She just wasn't going to let that one get away from her. Too often we dream our dreams, then let them pass without really giving any effort to achieve them. Possible dreams, things we have the talent or ability to do. We get lazy, life gets in the way, things get complicated and the years slip away. Not this time for Jane, it was the one thing she wanted and it wasn't easy for her. She struggled in Math especially, but her mentors and friends were there when she needed them. "Someone said it couldn't be done, but she with a chuckle replied ..."
Bath is a beautiful, sleepy little town. The more things change, the more they stay the same. MaryAnn and I spent a day with Karen visiting a couple of wineries, seeing the countryside, and driving through and around Bath. Great memories, I feel old and nostalgic. We arrive at the party fashionably late, and there are close to 100 people there! In Bath! It was remarkable to me that Jane meant that much to these people. After Jane put on her graduation robe and entered, she gave a very nice speech. Then her son-in-law announced "open mike" so that Jane's friends could tell us what she's meant to them. One after another they spoke. Some funny, some tearful, all meaningful and appreciative. A life lived in a small town, a simple life, seemingly meaningless but nonetheless touching the hearts and lives of others. Then, Jane's granddaughter spoke. It was nothing, really, but it was everything. She said that she had been struggling in school, confessed that her efforts weren't what they should be. She was bored, she was tired, school didn't have any real meaning attached to it. Then her grandmother showed by her actions how important it was to her, she showed how hard she worked for something her granddaughter thought was silly. So she vowed right then to turn herself around and start performing in school. Since her grandmother graduated, she had no excuse!
Isn't it marvelous how sometimes your actions have consequences far beyond what you believe? Like a stone thrown in a pond, Jane's determination produced a ripple in her granddaughter's life, a statement of inspiration that woke her up to the possibilities of an education. I'm certain Jane didn't plan that or even see that coming, it was one of those perfect, simple moments in life that touch your heart. Jane the grandmother, Jane the pregnant teen, Jane the amount-to-nothing struggler in life just became the wise elder of her family before our eyes. It was beautiful.
Pablo Picasso said, "I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it." Jane showed me that time and determination can produce a powerful life lesson. She showed that our struggles, our stubborn goals, our dreams yet unrealized, however insignificant they may seem to us, can be nothing but the most miraculous tool in God's hands. Jane showed me what happens when you just keep working towards your dreams, even when it seems like it's too late. A GED at 60? What do you do with a high school diploma at 60? You give it to God so he can save the life of your granddaughter by altering her mental path with your example. That's what a GED at 60 is good for.
What's your excuse? Pick a goal, dig out your life list and choose one thing. Something tough, something insignificant, something that you cannot do. Then do it. Enjoy the struggle, embrace your failures, and in the end you'll be in a better place. When you're done God will use you, as he used Jane, to inspire someone else to succeed in life.
In the beginning I was looking towards a weekend of slogging up Rt. 15 for 6 hours one way to say hello to everyone, then turning around and coming back home. In the end I received a gift of being allowed to witness one of the small miracles in life. A miracle of love, perseverence, faith, steadfastness, and a blossoming of hope for a future generation of Janes. All at once, all 100 of us wanted to be like Jane. Especially her granddaughter.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Wince and Repeat
In the path of self discovery, or self improvement, at some point we must realize that our egos have completely taken over and are holding us back. This is no more relavant than in what I call "wince and repeat" scenarios.
The most notorious of course is politics, i.e. the raging war of Liberals vs. Conservatives. Our egos tie us to one party or another for various (and sometimes logical) reasons. Once we are on "the team", ego takes over and justifies all arguments, thus making us 'right' and THEM 'wrong'. The more we drink of this toxic potion, the more we believe in the righteousness of our side and the more the other side is wrong. We rail against them, agreeing with the pundits (who are making a very good living telling us the sky is falling) that our world of freedom is coming to an end unless we enact our beliefs into law and repeal theirs. Everything bad that happens is because of them (it is all Bush's fault, or Clinton was the one forcing the banks to give loans to people who couldn't pay them back, etc.) and we have all the answers. Another round of elections, wince and repeat.
Another fine, and more personal, example is marriage, or relationships. Time and time again we find fault with the other. "He doesn't listen to me", "she doesn't understand me", "she's smothering me", "he's doesn't tell me how he feels". Then once one partner intentionally or not hurts or angers the other, egos envelope the home. The silent treatment, the yelling and arguing, the intentional jabs aimed at retaliation, the hurt. In the end, we always find that the reason we can't get along, the reason we cannot communicate, is because we continue to visit our own beliefs (read egos here) on our partner. Stop for a minute and think about the last time you felt like your partner was being selfish. If you'll have an open mind (egoless mind) for a minute, you'll realize that it was really YOU who was being selfish. The fact that she wanted you to do something with her is only trumped by the fact that you really wanted to do something else. You think she is being selfish when in fact it is you that is really being selfish. All our thoughts (especially negative) about others is merely us projecting our egos on them. They are a mirror reflection of us. Go ahead, tell me I'm wrong. See? Wince and repeat, spouses.
The next day you are at work, see if you can eavesdrop or stand in a conversation between two other people (at the watercooler, so to speak) about how their weekend went. It will go something like this; "Yeah, we went to the Wine Festival and bought 3 cases of wine, then had dinner at Morton's." (other person) "We go to Morton's all the time, although this weekend we went out and bought a new boat. 36 footer, she's beautiful. It'll be delivered this week." (1st person) "You should come over and have a glass of wine sometime." (other person) "Bring some this weekend and come out on the boat with us." Each persons conversation is all about themselves, their egos trying to elevate each person. It's even worse when we're talking about our children, each person taking turns on the bragging podium.
Think about your future plans, or your intentions. What kinds of things do you want to do? Is there something you dream about that you keep looking towards but you never seem to get any closer? Are you stuck at a certain level in your career? Now list all the reason why that may be so. Go ahead, I'll wait ...
Now look at your list and realize that everything there is probably directed at some outside source or is stating an outside obstacle to your dream. Now I'll tell you the real reason you don't get what you really want. Ready? Look in the mirror. Yes, it's you. Stop! Don't start with your logical thinking, breaking down your argument that says it's not true. That's your ego - it's very creative and very good at convincing you that you are a victim. Here is the fact. You do not have the power to change anything in this world but yourself. Fact. However, you will find if you can control your ego and actually change yourself, your world will change in it's relation to you. Which in turn means you can change the world. The man in the mirror. Or, wince and repeat. Your choice.
The most notorious of course is politics, i.e. the raging war of Liberals vs. Conservatives. Our egos tie us to one party or another for various (and sometimes logical) reasons. Once we are on "the team", ego takes over and justifies all arguments, thus making us 'right' and THEM 'wrong'. The more we drink of this toxic potion, the more we believe in the righteousness of our side and the more the other side is wrong. We rail against them, agreeing with the pundits (who are making a very good living telling us the sky is falling) that our world of freedom is coming to an end unless we enact our beliefs into law and repeal theirs. Everything bad that happens is because of them (it is all Bush's fault, or Clinton was the one forcing the banks to give loans to people who couldn't pay them back, etc.) and we have all the answers. Another round of elections, wince and repeat.
Another fine, and more personal, example is marriage, or relationships. Time and time again we find fault with the other. "He doesn't listen to me", "she doesn't understand me", "she's smothering me", "he's doesn't tell me how he feels". Then once one partner intentionally or not hurts or angers the other, egos envelope the home. The silent treatment, the yelling and arguing, the intentional jabs aimed at retaliation, the hurt. In the end, we always find that the reason we can't get along, the reason we cannot communicate, is because we continue to visit our own beliefs (read egos here) on our partner. Stop for a minute and think about the last time you felt like your partner was being selfish. If you'll have an open mind (egoless mind) for a minute, you'll realize that it was really YOU who was being selfish. The fact that she wanted you to do something with her is only trumped by the fact that you really wanted to do something else. You think she is being selfish when in fact it is you that is really being selfish. All our thoughts (especially negative) about others is merely us projecting our egos on them. They are a mirror reflection of us. Go ahead, tell me I'm wrong. See? Wince and repeat, spouses.
The next day you are at work, see if you can eavesdrop or stand in a conversation between two other people (at the watercooler, so to speak) about how their weekend went. It will go something like this; "Yeah, we went to the Wine Festival and bought 3 cases of wine, then had dinner at Morton's." (other person) "We go to Morton's all the time, although this weekend we went out and bought a new boat. 36 footer, she's beautiful. It'll be delivered this week." (1st person) "You should come over and have a glass of wine sometime." (other person) "Bring some this weekend and come out on the boat with us." Each persons conversation is all about themselves, their egos trying to elevate each person. It's even worse when we're talking about our children, each person taking turns on the bragging podium.
Think about your future plans, or your intentions. What kinds of things do you want to do? Is there something you dream about that you keep looking towards but you never seem to get any closer? Are you stuck at a certain level in your career? Now list all the reason why that may be so. Go ahead, I'll wait ...
Now look at your list and realize that everything there is probably directed at some outside source or is stating an outside obstacle to your dream. Now I'll tell you the real reason you don't get what you really want. Ready? Look in the mirror. Yes, it's you. Stop! Don't start with your logical thinking, breaking down your argument that says it's not true. That's your ego - it's very creative and very good at convincing you that you are a victim. Here is the fact. You do not have the power to change anything in this world but yourself. Fact. However, you will find if you can control your ego and actually change yourself, your world will change in it's relation to you. Which in turn means you can change the world. The man in the mirror. Or, wince and repeat. Your choice.
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